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Every Moment

Do you ever drive somewhere thats a part of your usual routine, arrive, and stop and wonder, How did I get here again? Do you ever have stop and wonder where chunks of your memory just disappear to? This is a phenomenon that is common to all of us, and happens to us on a daily basis. When I get up in the morning, I usually have porridge for breakfast, there is a routine that I have sorted to make it happen. I know I had porridge this morning, but I cant remember making it! These automatic functions are usually things that are done regularly in our life. They are activities that no longer require the higher functioning thought of our brain, and is well learnt, so our brain passes the responsibilities over the our cerebellum. When we drive, we don’t think about changing gears, popping in the clutch in and out and timing it with the accelerator, it just happens, yet when we first started out…. that was the hardest part!

In life, this all serves a purpose, we would be exhausted if we had to concentrate on every task that befalls us. By automating these tasks, we then allow the higher function part of our brain to concentrate on higher functioning reasoning, such as what we might be eating next, what our next facebook status might be, and musing on how strange that dog looks as you drive past.

The point of all of this, is not to educate to the intricacies of higher brain function but to point out that huge chunks of our life are capable of disappearing into nowhere, where we have no recollection of various activities whatsoever. I think on the whole, this suits most of us just fine, but one of the things I have noticed is when my time is potentially a lot shorter than most, is that I actually value these times!! I don’t want to forget even the most mundane that life has to offer, because there might not be much of it left!!

And so I have learnt, to appreciate even the most ordinary of life; getting in the car to drive somewhere; eating a meal; catching up with friends; enjoying a good coffee; holding my wife in my arms….

Things that might not exist for me in a few years time…

Things that I will be incapable of experiencing…

let alone enjoying…

All of a sudden, every moment counts, be it the ordinary or the extra-ordinary, the mundane or the special. I get frustrated that my cerebellum, doing what it is supposed to do, is stealing my moments from me. I don’t want my life to disappear into an abyss of faint memories, I want it to be real, I want it to be present, I want it to be experiential.

I’m training myself to change this…. if that is at all possible.

Life is far too valuable to let skip by.

When any commodity is in short supply, its value greatly increases; a basic premise in economics. Life is no different. It’s just a pity that it took cancer for me to realise this.

All of a sudden, every moment counts.

Thanks for listening.

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  1. Carolyn
    November 21, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    i hear you.

    • Jared
      November 28, 2009 at 5:22 pm

      haha, your comment was put into my spam folder carolyn!!!.. I just discovered it now. πŸ™‚

  2. Lisa
    November 27, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Hi Jared,
    Kristian Anderson (who lives in Sydney and has ca bowel with liver mets) is married to my big sister. I read your comment on his blog and followed the link to your blog which I’ve been reading. I happen to be a GP (Otago graduate – sorry!) and also a Christian and am finding a weird sort of comfort in how you are choosing to view your illness. I wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and your wife as you restart chemo tomorrow and that your plans to carry on with TI year are inspiring. I’ll be another person offering you up in prayer.

  3. kristiananderson
    November 27, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Hey man…. thinking of you today as you head in for chemo.

    I had my 3rd round on Tuesday and am feeling pretty crap as it makes it’s way through. Still getting hiccups and reflux but not as bad as before.

    The Irenotecan gives me huge waves of tiredness in the chair, the 5FU burns my face from the inside and I can smell it coming out of me all week, from every pore. The Avastin seems to be the only drug not giving me any grief.

    To be truthful…I’d really rather not know you at all, and vice versa… ‘cos that would mean neither of us is walking this path and dealing with the stuff we’re dealing with. Know what I mean? But that’s not the case. So just know that you have a brother in Christ on the other side of the ditch standing before the Father on your behalf asking the same things for you that I am asking for myself.

    Salvation. Redemption. Healing.

    Blessings to you and Hannah from Kristian and Rachel.

    • Jared
      November 27, 2009 at 11:02 pm

      Thanks for your support, Hannah and I appreciate it.

      I realise that i forgot to update my blog with the fact that I’m now starting chemo on the 11th of December. It has to do with getting a last minute CT scan so that I qualify for a drug trial with the chemo. So Friday in two weeks will be when I get hammered with the chemo love. πŸ™‚

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