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Christmas and Chemo…

Tomorrow I start chemotherapy again… for the second time. I’m looking forward to it about as much I would a hole in the head, but because this is the way the cookie crumbles, if I want to survive, chemo it is. This last week leading up to to it has had some absolutely amazing weather, and it has made me appreciate the enforced free time that I have had over the last year. I appreciate it a lot less when it is rainy and I’m stuck inside feeling nauseous.

My apartment has felt somewhat like a prison over the last 12 months. Hannah and I have considered moving a couple of times to a slightly bigger place, but with rental prices the way they are in this part of town, we can’t really afford or justify it.

This is the view of the Auckland sky tower we have from our place, a view that I am completely sick of. I’ve had to look at it far more than the average person would living in a place like this. And now, as I am about to embark on the chemo process all over again, I’m both weary, and appreciative.

Weary because its sucks to be feeling sick and miserable;

Appreciative because I’m glad that every extra day I get is one that I can spend with Hannah and with creation;

Weary because I’m emotionally shattered, and soon to be physically shattered;

Appreciative because I know I’m part of a plan bigger than me;

Weary because I know all this fighting for life will probably end in death;

Appreciative because I know death is not end of everything;

I’m increasingly discovering that life is a tug and pull between juxtaposing ideals and reality. The way we WANT life to be and the way life actually is. Sometimes we think life should be an ‘either, or’ proposition, mostly i’m discovering its a ‘both, and’ one. The good with the bad, the beautiful with the ugly, Christmas with chemo, and life with death. Each holds hands with the other, unable exist without the other, yet inexorably bound to opposition.

Isn’t that what grace is about? Forgiveness in the presence of unforgivability?

My life is slowly being polarised to either end of any given spectrum, great joy with great sadness, a ‘both, and’ proposition that I dearly wish was ‘either, all’. My wishing will however, be in vain, as life is never what we wish it to be, because if it was, our wishing would create a world with no contrasts. A world with no contrasts is like a world with no colour.

The beauty is in the contrast.


Thanks for listening.

  1. rhys
    December 21, 2009 at 11:14 am

    this is good brother. keep up the writing, you have some real insight.

  2. Becky
    January 19, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Wow, I really like this entry Jared – so eloquently perceptive!

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