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Oncology 15.0

Disappointment.

Deep Disappointment is a term that barely scratches the surface of how I feel.

Yesterday I went to see my radiation oncologist for an appointment that was all about the planning of my radiotherapy. I had a PET scan the week before to help them get a better idea how my anatomy was after the surgery.

What I got was news that caught me completely off guard.

The cancer is back.

Aggressively.

My heart sank. This wasn’t supposed to happen… Not like this.

Hannah wasn’t with me at the time, she was at a clinic in preparation for her long case exam. This was supposed to be a routine oncology appointment, I have had hundreds of them. I guess my suspicians were raised when I was brought into the clinic on time, almost immediately after my arrival. That doesn’t normally happen.

The PET shows in a 2.5cm lesion in the right lobe of liver, this is a huge amount of growth since it was non-existent on my last PET in January. Further to this, there are two extra areas that have shown increased update of the radioactive isotope they use for the PET. They are small, less than 1cm, one in my mesentry, the other in the retro-peritoneal para-aortic lymph chain, near where they opereated. The optimist might say they are reactive as a result from surgery. The realist, when all things are equal, would say this is further disease.

I came home.

I cried.

Breaking this to Hannah was going to be worse than hearing it. I tried writing….

It didn’t work.

We dared to hope that we might regain a normal life. It was a dare that was repayed with shattered expectations and destroyed dreams. Cancer is a bit mean like that.

It makes grown men cry.

Today I feel deflated, like a balloon with no air. I think it will take a few days to regain the puff to reinflate again.

From here it is a bit of an unknown and the roadmap will become clear in the coming weeks. There is talk of further surgery to resect the part of the liver with the node in it, and there will likely be more chemotherapy.

I was supposed to be returning to work full time in just over week, I guess that wont be happening now….

 

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  1. Deborah Walker
    May 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Oh Jared and Hannah, words seem so inadequate at news like that – so sad and disappointed with you both. Our hearts and prayers go out to you.

    • Lew Meyer
      May 18, 2012 at 12:09 am

      Hi Jared
      Can’t feel how you feel, but thinking of you.
      There may be a positive side to this you have not thought about or resisted. But it will be a big paradigm shift for your thinking.
      Let’s talk further over coffee.

      Uncle Lew

  2. May 17, 2012 at 11:56 am

    man, words like disappointed just don’t cut it. Awful news Jared. Prayers for your peace and courage and hope in the face of this

  3. Holly
    May 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Jared my heart sank when i read your post. You are such a strong and courageous man.

  4. Sarah
    May 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Hi Jared, so so sorry to hear this, likewise deeply disappointed for you. Much love and peace to you and Hannah. Hope you can be encouraged by small things in the next few days, and that your spirits will be lifted. Thoughts are with you and family.

  5. lindaedwardsauckland
    May 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    No this was not supposed to happen, oh Jared and Hannah, hugs and prayers, hang in there….

  6. May 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Oh, Jared, so sorry to hear this news. Even though we chose different paths, I’ve always been wishing the best for you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Jonathan Homer
    May 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    God is with you dude… whatever his plans are for you and Hannah I know that they are awesome. You are truly an inspiration to those who need it. Tui and I both have you and Hannah in our prayers. Psalm 34:4 🙂

  8. Peter Choi
    May 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    kia kaha jared. God is with you

  9. nelsonsmittens
    May 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Thats just crap news Jared. My heart sank and I am deflated for you as well. Kia Kaha

  10. Maree
    May 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear this news – I feel for you guys and wish I could do more to support you both.
    Our home-group will continue to pray for you and Hannah, much love and many hugs, Maree xxxxx

  11. Ainsley
    May 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    So sorry Jared. So sorry.

  12. Jane
    May 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    What a shock to read your latest update. I am so sorry. Please know you and Hannah are in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. Claire
    May 17, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    Hi Jared.
    I have never met you but I have followed your blog after seeing you on TV. I am so sorry about this news. I have been thinking about you all day and just had to let you know how much I admire and respect you. Thank you for making me appreciate good health and to never take it for granted. xx

  14. Melinda
    May 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    I know not what to write but to say I am speechless as you are – at this time may the presence of God be with you.

  15. Gavin
    May 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Argh, i can’t even begin to understand how gutting it must be, sorry Jared.

  16. May 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    You can’t afford to give up, you have to keep fighting and keep a positive mind to beat this thing. You are more prepared than ever, always look to a positive future and let those who love you help you maintain the strength that you need. Use your beliefs to form a barrier of protection and don’t question the bad but look forward to resolution. we are all as humans aware of the difficulties that need to be overcome in such situations, but life has more to offer and we will be all thinking of you through this time.

  17. natalie
    May 17, 2012 at 8:53 pm

    This deflates me too, I was eagerly awaiting to hear good news from u, i check your blog everyday in hope for a good outcome, since i heard u tell your story at northgate i have often thought of u and hannah, after we heard your story my mother and her sister were both diagnosed with different cancers and 10 months they were both gone,your writing really helped put life into perspective, appreciating the little things , i so admire your courage, thoughts and prayers, till next time xx

  18. Sacha Olson
    May 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    Hi Jared, So saddened to hear this news! I’m praying for you and hope that this just means a bigger miracle is in store for you. I cried when I read your message about how you would switch places with Kristian Anderson. It is surreal to me how many God honouring people are dying of cancer. But…I will continue to believe that his plan is better than mine, and you are an inspiration to those who walk by faith each day!!! Sending you and Hannah lots of love!

  19. Murray Fenton
    May 17, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    Hi Jared, what does one say, it seems to be every day I hear the same sad news, someone else with cancer. With you I was hoping and praying that we had turned a corner and recovery would be slow but eventually you would be all clear. Why why why is it that no-one, young, old, christian, non christian, every single walk of life is susceptible to this world wide crisis sometimes known as the dreaded “C”.
    My thoughts are with you my friend, you have been an inspiration to many and your strength and determination are admired, no matter how hard the road has been, you have continued on the journey. I pray that your journey will continue, I pray that the ultimate plan is for you to be here with us for a long time yet. Whatever is around the next corner or whatever the hurdle in front is, I know that you will rise to the occasion and fight it with all your strength. Love to you and Hannah during this extremely difficult time

  20. Tracey Bradley
    May 17, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    so sorry to read your latest news like everyone I feel totally deflated ! Its just another reminder to me to Pray without ceasing so this is exactly what I will do.

  21. Joel
    May 17, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Jared, I’m so very sorry to read this news. I’ve been reading your blog for many months now and am in awe of your honesty and courage. Thank you for everything you have shared. I really hope that things start looking up for you again. Thinking of you man.

  22. Matt
    May 18, 2012 at 4:35 am

    Really sorry to hear that Jared, thoughts are with you.

  23. France
    May 18, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I have been reading your blog. I don’t actually know you, but your story is so compelling. And I feel so gutted for you that you have had this news. Our God is an awesome God and can do all things. He has counted all the days of our life (wouldn’t it be great if he let us in on the number sometimes!) and cares for us so deeply. I pray that God will let you stay here on earth, where you have an awesome ministry and testimony.
    Prayers for you and your family

  24. Jamjam
    May 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    God has bigger plans for you, you might not see his purpose in you life for now, but sooner or later He will reveal it to you, and surely you will regain the air that was lost that caused the deflation, don’t lose hope be happy always for it is God’s will for you to be happy in everything that He is giving you. I might not feel what you are feeling right now, but I know we share the same God, and His goodness in me by giving me such a good health would also befall on you. Just live each day as if it’s you last day on earth but your first day in Heaven…God bless you always. 🙂

  25. Dyana Parore-Connell
    May 18, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    Sorry to hear your news . I am gutted for you. For someone who has such courage and strength through this journey,I cried for you too. My thoughts are with you.

  26. Sarah
    May 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Hi Jared, You don’t know me but your blog came through on my face book page, I was caught by the word disappointing so I clicked on it and read your recent entry. I am amazed at your faith in God especially during this time and wonder if I would be able to hold up if something devastated my world. I’ll be keeping you and Hannah in my prayers. I don’t know entirely how this world works and why bad things happen to good people but I know God is faithful. Trust him with all of your heart.

  27. paul Foster
    May 18, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Jared , you will re inflate as you are such a strong person, both for yourself and Hannah.
    I read your entire blog one night and was very inspired,so much so i personally give thanks for each day and really apprciate the beauty of simple things we all take for granted, from my garden to my family and pets and the world in general.
    What amazes me is your complete selflessness, how you go to work when you must feel real bad some days and how sometimes you must be looking after people with trivial illnesses compared to what you have been through.
    You are so much stronger than me, i would have curled up and felt sorry for myself.
    I dont pray often but have prayed for you today and am sending loving light to you and your family. You’ll win mate , keep fighting! We are all batting for you, greetings from Aussie.

  28. May 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Hi Jared, Your blog caught us off guard too. We have continued to follow your journey closely, and in recent times have been so encouraged by your progress.
    2012 dawned with new hope for both you and Hannah. Now, we can but imagine how this devastating news has assaulted your emotions. Please know that we are with you in spirit as you gather yourself for the next round.
    Often at times like this, Bible verses can sound so trite, but one that has special meaning for us is Romans 12:12. We trust that it may be helpful for you and Hannah as well. Our prayer is that you will know the closeness of God’s love at this time.

  29. Katie donovan
    May 20, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Hey jared, I met you when I was a teenager.when I saw on face book what you are going thru my heart was gutted and shocked.I am believing that god will be ministering to you right now.we are praying for you and your wife..my church is praying for you today as well.

  30. Tony Jee
    May 21, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Love you bro

  31. May 21, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Oh no – such unfortunate news – – – good luck!! I hope you & Hannah are able to stay strong in this period!!! Lots of prayers for you!! 🙂 **

  32. Miriam Nakatsuji
    May 21, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    Seems so unfair that this has come when things had been looking so good. Can’t imagine how much of a roller coaster you have been through. Thinking and praying for you and Hannah.

  33. DEBBI TODD
    May 28, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Think its all been said on previous comments – thinking of and praying for you.

  34. nelsonsmittens
    May 28, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I randomly thought of you both today.
    I shed a tear and then I thanked you for your light. Kia kaha

  35. Christy
    May 31, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Jared, you are an inspiration to me and the rest the group as we enter Beat Bowel Cancer awareness week from Monday. We will persevere and do everything we can to make this illness diagnosed earlier, so its treatable and beatable. This may sound trite to you in your deeply spiritual state of mind but for some of us its all we can do, we cannot bear the suffering we see, and we are determined to help beat bowel cancer. I think of you a lot and I learn from your writings. Thankyou for sharing this journey. My heartfelt best wishes are with you and Hannah.

  36. PK
    July 1, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Jared, I am so so sorry.

    I found your blog via Kristian and have been reading it ever since. I hope you have some better news soon.

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