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Oncology 20.0

This journey with cancer has really highlighted the joys and disappointments of what life can bring. More recently, the joys of Hannah’s pregnancy has dominated our life. Setting up the baby room, feeling the kicks of our daughter, and choosing her name has been such a great experience, one that has  become even more amazing when juxtaposed against our circumstance and the finite lifespan I have….

I had a CT scan on Monday, and the results from that have devastated us….

I have rampant, multiple new metastatic disease all throughout my liver, almost too much to count. I have new disease in my mesentery and a new nodule in the right apex of my lung. It would seem the absence of chemotherapy combined with the systemic immunosuppression that radiotherapy can bring has permitted the cancer to grow unrestrained.

This is the moment we have been dreading for 5 years and have been lucky to escape until now.

This is where everything changes.

I have a lifespan measured in months.

Hannah and I are gutted, the realisation that cancer is winning is like having a knife hacked into the deepest part of our soul. It hurts in a way that words cannot describe, it leaves us gasping for air, wondering if this is actually real.

The disappointment is compounded by knowing we have a daughter waiting to meet us, and for the first time, doubt has been cast over whether or not I will make that meeting. This is aggressive cancer, doing its best to kill me, to rob our child of their father.

We are devastated…..

Over the past few days we have broken the news to family, friends, and work colleagues, and we are all left speechless. Initially I cried each time I explained the news. Telling it to others is harder than hearing it yourself, but now the tears have dried up and I have become numb to it, no doubt a psychological coping mechanism. We have to prepare ourselves now for the next steps.

The details are yet to be finalised, but the plan is to fire one more salvo. I am going to restart chemotherapy consisting of 5-fluoro uracil and Oxaliplatin. The hope is that we can establish some kind of response in my liver, enough to buy some time. We are currently considering whether or not to add Bevacizumab (Avastin), a monoclonal antibody, into a the mix. This wont change the outcome, but it may mean we get more time. The issue with this  is that it is expensive and it isn’t funded by pharmac, I would have to go privately for it. Hannah and I are currently assessing our options to make it happen, because at the moment, time is the most valuable commodity I can buy. One, or even two months could make all the difference in meeting my daughter. Any time I have with her after her arrival is also worth the world to me.

I will keep you all updated on how things unfold this week, but there is no doubt that I have now reached the business end of my journey with cancer. Those who know me know that I have long since accepted my outcome here, now its all about timing that outcome the best way possible, for the sake of Hannah, and for the sake of a child I haven’t met, but love so much.

Until next time…

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Categories: Blog, Cancer Update
  1. October 19, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    wow, i have no words… heartbroken for you guys… praying for miracles and peace and hope and comfort and change… for you and for hannah…

  2. Al
    October 19, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Dude!!! As a father, my heart goes out to you and Hannah. No amount of planning ahead, realising the gravity of your circumstances or hope can prepare you for the final understanding that this could be it! Will be praying as you make big decisions!

  3. Tori
    October 19, 2013 at 12:17 pm

    I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. Time is precious. My husband was told in November last year he would be lucky to see Christmas. We are now planning this Christmas with him still fighting with everying within him. Folfox has held his disease stable, I’ll be praying it does the same for you!

  4. Sarah Bradley
    October 19, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Oh Jared. I am so devastated for you, words cannot explain. I have been keeping up with you posts, smiling quietly in mind with every post I read with the knowledge that you are fighting this cancer and beating it. I think I was lulled into a false sense of security thinking the cancer was never going to win, but how naive was I? When I read the news of Hannah being pregnant I was so excited for you both and elated that the cancer didn’t deprive you of that. Please know that I will pray for you every night and I will be telling everyone I see to pray for you and your fight with this vile cancer that is trying to take over your body. Please keep us up to date. Sending you both lots of love and hugs. Xxxxxxxxoooooooo

  5. Dyana Parore-Connell
    October 19, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Oh Jared absolutely devastated for you at this time. Dear God I hope you live to see your daughter come into this world. Praying for you and Hannah. Take care.

  6. Hetty
    October 19, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    I am so sad for you and Hannah. Sending a ton of thoughts and best wishes your way x

  7. Sharron
    October 19, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    Absolutely devastated for you reading this, to know the joy of meeting your daughter is something that I will be praying for over the next few weeks/months. Will also add your family to my prayers as they deal with this news that has been threatening for so long.

  8. Hamish Guthrie
    October 19, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    No words can accurately describe things really – what you are both going through, you will be in prayers around the world and in this house hoping that you are able to see your daughter take her first (and hopefully many more) important breath on the outside. You are a true battler Jared and your courage is amazing – stay strong, keep faith and live as long as you can 🙂 With love from both Bernadette and I.

  9. Milagros Resueno
    October 19, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    Jared, we love you here in Panabo and been following your post and bringing you up in our prayers. Reading your present blog rendered me really speechless .God knows what’s the purpose in all of these. We all be praying for you always.

  10. karen rowlng
    October 19, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    you have so many followers and i’m sure we have all been blessed following your journey – you should set up a bank account for people to contribute towards your medication – you deserve to meet your daughter – I would count it a blessing to be able to contribute

  11. rhys parry
    October 19, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    jared and hannah, so sorry to hear this – my heart goes out to you both. you’re in my thoughts and prayers – God have your way!

  12. Jess
    October 19, 2013 at 2:10 pm

    Stay strong and stay positive beyond our physical bodies… Praying for you…

  13. Nicole Jenkins
    October 19, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Jared,
    I am truly gutted to hear that those horrid little cells have continued to do their damage. I want to take this opportunity to share with you how much our unique relationship (for want of a better word) has impacted me. When I was your nurse up in DCCM, even with everything going on you were an absolute delight to look after. Then last year when I spent my month on 78 having you as my doctor was amazing. Your bedside manner & clinical skills are undeniable. Knowing as I did what you were & are going through really helped me to push myself as far as I could every day.
    I am so sad for you, Hannah and your daughter. No doubt your little girl will be an amazing person. With you as her father there is no way she won’t be. I hope you get to meet her, an and get to spend time with her.
    Keep up the good fight. You continue to inspire me. (You can also add me to the list of criers!)

  14. jane
    October 19, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Jared and Hannah…I too am so saddened by your latest news and will continue to pray for you. I agree with Karen Rowling.. I too would count it a blessing to be able to contribute to your medication.

  15. Meg Lim
    October 19, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Jared, this is very hard news. Praying for you and also your strength to keep fighting to get to see your baby girl, you have fought this long and hard already, we can do it! Message I sent to Hannah.
    Hannah, It was so upseting to hear this last news, I don’t know what to say. But do let us know, or have someone else let us know how we can all pitch in. Prayers and hugs xx

  16. Selena
    October 19, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    God bless. May His infinite strength wrap it’s arms around you all and remind us through faith of our home with Him together.

  17. October 19, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    I am so sorry to hear this news. I hope the new medication does slow things down and you get to meet your wee daughter.

  18. courtney
    October 19, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    Keep going Jared. You will get to meet your daughter.x

  19. Jannah
    October 19, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    Hannah & Jared, I thank you for being brave and sharing this news with us all. I am so sorry that this inevitable time appears to be coming faster than you had hoped. We will be praying that God will give you the strength, health and time to experience the miracle of child birth and the absolute joy in bringing a child in to this world. I know that there will be a lot of people praying for you both (well the 3 of you now!), but have you thought about letting us help you out practically as well? Perhaps we could help you pay for that drug that is not covered by Pharmac…. Bevacizumab (Avastin) is it? Please consider using the available fundraising website (PledgeMe, etc) to let us help you raise the funds Jared and Hannah. We all want you to meet your daughter! Many blessings.

  20. Jess
    October 19, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    The news doesn’t get any easier going through it again, it truly is in all senses of the word, gutting. I’m so sorry guys. James and I pray for you constantly, and I really hope that God will answer them and give the three of you time with each other. Love, Jess.

  21. Brigitte Murdoch
    October 19, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Hannah and Jared, We are thinking of you both. Shocked to hear your news. You have seemed to be invincible.
    Love and hugs to you both. xoxo

  22. Lisa Fackler
    October 19, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    I’ve followed your blog for years now, you have continually reminded me to see how big our God is, how small our issues are and how to live life with meaning.
    I want to contribute funds for the medications you need that may help you meet your baby. What address can I send a cheque to?

  23. Ctz
    October 19, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    I, too, would like to contribute – please allow us to bless you! You really helped in my healing when my mom died of cancer – you were so honest in your sharing of this wicked disease. I am praying for time for you, for both you and Hannah to welcome your daughter into our beautiful world. Lifting you up in prayer,

    Carol /Vancouver, BC

  24. murray
    October 19, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Hey Jared and Hannah , You have shared so much with so many, you have blessed others in your lives in so many ways, my prayers are that God will allow you the time to see you through to, at the very least, see your new born baby,

    Murray Tamsyn Xavier and Logan Fenton

  25. Uncle Louis & Aunty Sue
    October 19, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    We are so sorry to hear your latest news. We are upholding you in our prayers and pray that God will let you have a few weeks with you daughter. Hang in there.

  26. sarah
    October 19, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    So very sorry to hear this news Jared and Hannah. Love, prayers and ongoing strength to you both, and to your growing child. Praying for a better outcome. xo

  27. Delwyn Bond
    October 19, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Hi words r so inadequate to respond but we are praying for you and Hannah that you can treasure each day you have, that you will get the time you need to meet your daughter, strength to cope with the treatment and finances to bear the costs,.

  28. October 19, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    You are a very brave man and have always wondered how you and Hannah were doing ever since watching your story on TV. Words fail me, to support or even to equal any feelings and emotions you must be going through. Except maybe that I have my fingers crossed and that you are in my prayers to overcome this challenge. Stand tall and stand strong, we’re all behind you in this buddy.

  29. Hilary Jones
    October 19, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    Dear Jared and Hannah, my prayers are with you both. Thinking of you.

  30. October 19, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    so sorry to hear that dr noel. you’ve been an absolute inspiration for us who still finding our ways in medicine. wish you the best from the treatment and to your family too.

  31. Jude Murdoch
    October 19, 2013 at 10:49 pm

    Jared, that is shattering news. Words cannot describe the pain that this must cause for you and your family, but God is with you. He is with you. And He loves you.

    “The Lord replied, “my precious, precious child. I love you, and will never leave you. When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, in those most dark and painful moments of your life, it was then that I carried you.””

    Praying for you bro.

  32. Min-Jee Kim
    October 20, 2013 at 12:06 am

    Hi Jared and Hannah,
    Just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for your family. I’m a fifth year medical student at Auckland Uni and remember you coming to talk to us a while back. I am so happy to hear about the baby, congratulations! God is looking out for you all always. 🙂 It will be difficult to leave the family behind but you know this finite life is not the end 🙂 Will keep praying for you and look forward to your posts. Hope there might be another occasion where we could meet the family!
    With love, Min-Jee

  33. Theresa V
    October 20, 2013 at 12:54 am

    Thinking of you and sending you3 every hope for precious time. Absolutely so sad for you. No doubt at all your daughter will be awesome & will know how you fight for her and love her. Thank you for your amazing gifted words of such pain & sadness. we pray for your Family also.

  34. Giota
    October 20, 2013 at 1:15 am

    I am so very sorry to hear this. I trully pray for a miracle or at the very least pray for time.

    Love to the three of you.

  35. Sylvie Gneckow
    October 20, 2013 at 5:19 am

    Oh my god Jared . Words don’t come close to expressing my sadness and disappointment …I have been so inspired by your blog and have been fighting mentally for you all along. I truly believed that your faith will grant you your wish to welcome your daughter into this world. I will continue to send you positive thoughts and will not loose hope that you will be granted the chance to meet your daughter and enjoy some glorious time in her and your wife company.
    Stay strong and good luck!
    Sylvie

  36. Pastor Geoff Wiklund
    October 20, 2013 at 9:30 am

    HI Jared, What a hard piece of news for you both I praise God for your faith and determination. We are all standing with you in prayer and put our hope in God. May His grace be with you in this next round. Love Geoff

  37. Greg
    October 20, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Very sorry to hear the bad news. Please keep you chin up you must keep going. God will keep a very good eye on you. Please take care, I am sure you get to me your new born.

  38. Claire Baker
    October 20, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    Lots of love, strength and thoughts from me and my family Jared. Xxx

  39. Naomi Rosedale
    October 20, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    Hi Jared, Standing with you and Hannah in prayer and in our hearts. I am with Jannah on using PledgeMe or some other means of supporting you both to raise money for the drug that is not covered by Pharmac…. Bevacizumab (Avastin)? Please let us know how we could contribute.

  40. DEBBI TODD
    October 20, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Oh bugger – no other words come to mind.
    I do however truly believe you will meet your daughter xx

  41. October 20, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    That really sucks – it’s a cruel twist to the journey. I’m really feeling for you brother.

  42. zuzu al
    October 21, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    So sorry to hear this sad new news. Will be praying for you and your family. Please set up a givealittle page or similar, so we can try to help in the littelest way. You’ve inspired us and boosted our faith with your outlook on this journey. This money will not be taken out of the mouths of starving orphans, this is spare change that would have sat in our bankaccounts and funded coffees/junkfood/frivilous things.

  43. Claire Elizabeth
    October 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    Jared, so sorry about the devastating news. Your child will know from these pages how much you already love her, and what an amazing father you already are.
    It would be an honour to contribute towards a fund. Your blog has been a real gift to us readers and supporters.

  44. Cate Shaw
    October 22, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    Can’t believe how incredibly strong you are. Makes one realise just how trivial our own lives can be and what we think is significant in life, isn’t really at the end of the day.

  45. Daryl
    October 23, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Hi Jared: You have no idea who I am, but I am emailling you to let you know there is a wee church down in Nelson praying for you and your family. Your blog posts have been so incredibly encouraging, and we are so gutted to read this news. We pray you will know God’s presence and peace like never before. Daryl….Hope Church.

  46. Maree
    October 24, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Hi Jared and Hannah,

    I am so sorry to hear this news, we are praying for you at our home-group and will
    continue to do so. I would like to help support you and Hannah wish I could do much, much more to help you. Sending you my love and many hugs,
    Maree xx

  47. Toni Newton
    October 24, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    I have sent you a message on facebook, it will be in your OTHER folder. If you or your wife ever want to vent or chat, let me know. My husband is in the situation as you, was given 12 months last June….
    Wishing you all the best, and will be thinking of your family and you are there to hold your wee girl in January!

  48. Angela
    October 28, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    May God bless you and your family and give you health, strength and courage to get through this. x

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